Disclaimer

I know i posted a disclaimer before, but thought i should post one again, most of my posts are purely based on the mood i am in, these do not translate into anything literal, so if someone(i.e. someone who i know) reads my blog please do not take it too seriously, these are mainly random musings and i keep this blog as a diary of sorts with tidbits of information, and usually i have had a drink or two or three before i post, so... you can infer,,,cheerio!!

Christmas....

So christmas is over, i just got home and today, well yesterday now was boxing day and i was stuck in a snowstorm, i went to church on christmas eve, exchanged gifts, had a nice time, christmas day was a similar routine and boxing day i went to see life of pi(for the second time) and like i had mentioned got stuck in  a snowstorm,,,,
These days usually i find that i do most of my thinking when i am on the subway, its like i tune myself out from the noise and commotion and just think, its a good trait i think because i can do it on demand now, tune people out that is:), anyway back to my thoughts, so today on my way back i was thinking about the women in my life and how most of them measure up to the one girl that i truly love and respect(as a friend of course, i had mentioned her in my previous post, somewhere on the lines of she is closest thing to perfect i have come accross but we knew instantly that there was 0 compatibility, so we became good friends)

The answer, most of them come nowhere even close to measuring up, each and every woman i have been with, either romantically involved or physically or both have been like me, so that says it all i guess, me, i am a nice person but i am selfish, not entirely trustworthy, i lie, i am pretentious sometimes, i am opinionated etc etc, the list goes on, in short nothing like my friend, i might be spending new years with her, she messaged and i will extend my stay in ktown so that i can keep up the tradition we have had for the past few years, spend new years with the same bunch of friends!!

anyway, time to get some shut-eye i guess!!!! but wait there might be someone, my cute and bubbly neighbour:), she definitely has a good heart, as for the other things,,,, time will tell, but 7 yrs younger? i wonder?

So..

Last night, just when i thought i had written it all down and felt better, i had the urge to call my dad and then we had an argument, then i had an argument with my sister, so i felt miserable again,,,,
Today was a miserable day, i felt lousy all day that is till supper time, i met up with old friends from kingston, it was nice to see them again, it felt good to have a few drinks and a few laughs, i miss that:)

So i am back to being my optimist self again, i will continue looking for that one girl, the one i think who will complete me, i have a picture in my mind, but somehow i cannot get to see the real thing, i probably have a friend in kingston who is as close as it comes to the real thing, she is kind, compassionate, caring and i rarely say this but she has my utmost respect,,,,its too bad that we are two different people, not compatible at all! but i am glad she found someone who is really nice:), so my search continues, so what is my idea of a soulmate, if some such thing does exist, the optimist in me is screaming right now, it does, it does!!!!! or rather she does!!!! she does!!!
Well she has to be kind, not judgemental, sweet, someone who helps others at every possible opportunity they get, cute, gentle, smart, someone who is not a liar(seen too many of those(fuck i lie as well,so i should know the kind)), someone i can trust, in short someone who is not like me at all, which to many of you would be like" what the fuck is this hypocrite talking about?","look at him and look at what he wants"
Yes i am a hypocrite, but i believe and i truly believe that if i find this one girl i will change who i am, she will be able to mould me into this"good person", i will never lie, cheat, some of the other qualities i think i already have, i am gentle,kind, non judgemental etc.(i think so anyway)
might be a pipe dream but hey i can dream right?

Dec 09 2012

That is the date today, almost 2 months in toronto.... i just watched a movie, "silver linings playbook", it was good, made me feel like writing, i guess a lot of emotions got stirred inside of me, mixed feelings about love, life, you know the whole fucking shabang, first time i have ever used the word fuck i guess in a blog post, well fuck, there is a first for everything!!
I feel like i am caught in this web and i cannot seem to untangle myself, pressure from family, work, 0 love life prospects, what is going on i wonder, i guess today all of it came out and i decided why not write about it, afterall writing does ease some of the frustration as some say....
Its funny, how when u feel like you have a connection with someone or even get close to someone your whole life looks brighter, you seem to enjoy everything, well right now i do not feel like that, not even remotely close, i feel like i am cursed in the love/life department, in both aspects its always been a miserable trek for me, well it starts out great but as the road un-winds it leads to a dead end and that is the eventuality of it all.
I have been an optimist all my life, i do look for that silver lining but for some reason nothing ever seems to come out of it, let me tell you  a little story,my mother who i was extremely close to died of cancer in 1999, i was 21, i was in canada, i did not go to her funeral, i did not cry, i was expecting it, but it left me broken inside, i became cold, i stopped caring about things, life went on, then i met someone, someone who i thought was special, but she was married, did not stop me from being attracted to her, we spent a lot of time together, i told her i was falling for her and she said she was too, i was overjoyed, i did not know what to do, here is someone who cared about me, filled something inside of me, but hey she was married,,,, i still loved her until i found out something, she hurt me and trust me it hurt like hell, but i moved on, she moved away to a different city, i remained, fast forward 6 years i met someone who became a friend then a lover, then we moved in together, i quit my job packed up and moved to the city where she lived, we adopted a cat, we had a family or so i thought i had fallen in love again, after all those years, when i dated but nothing came out of it,,,,i had finally found someone who i could love,,,,
Things were far from rosy though, we never fought, we talked out differences and there were a bunch, but i still loved her and i thought she did as well, until she hurt me, but i let it go, it was not a big deal, these things happen in relationships, she did not cheat on me or anything like that so i thought you know what its fine, but she had other ideas i guess, she thought she loved me but she could never see herself getting married to me, a lot of complications she said, religion, nationality, ambition or lack of, just to name a few, now here is where it gets interesting, i had kept in touch with the married lady all this while, albeit via email, it was mostly exchanging pleasantries i guess, i have this some may call bad habit of keeping in touch with other people, ex's included,
We met up, her marriage situation had not changed, she was still miserable, i spent a day with her away from it all, she said she loved me, i said and i quote " you are cute", i did have feelings for her but i was also in a relationship, what i had done plagued me with guilt, i had never done this before and i never will again, so i avoided her and stuck with the girl who i thought really loved me, the married woman thought i had purposely hurt her, because of what she had done all those years ago, but i had not, not even remotely closely, i still liked/like her but my guilt inside was overpowering everything....
fast forward a few more years, the girl who i thought loved me, left me, she is married now, how convenient, me as usual had kept in touch with the married woman, but it was sporadic, random facebook chats,,,, but then i met her again and she was different, very different, it was like she did not trust me anymore, understandable i guess, but i told her or tried to tell her i was sorry, after all there was guilt in that department too, i had not intentionally hurt her, nor did i want her to feel used, i know feeling used is probably the worst feeling a person can have and i did not want her to feel that, i still had lingering feelings for her, i think i always will, that will never change,,,,
Fuck that was long, now i have lost my chain of thought because i just got of the phone, i don't know if this blog post makes sense, i just wrote down what came to mind, in the end it might be a load of garbage, but it did make me feel better to write it down!!!!

Just over a month..

Has passed since i moved to toronto. I am adjusting ok, i have fit most things into my routine seamlessly, the commute has become normal now, still a far cry from the 3 mins it used be though,,,,
Other than that not much exciting going on, i have been contemplating my future of late, i think in the new year its time to move on, life has become too dull and i cannot seem to find someone to share it with, maybe its just me or maybe i am tired of looking, too many disappointments have made me jaded, still the optimist in me cries out, she is out there:)
I guess its just the mood i am in today, but i think i need to be surrounded by family and currently i am not and i guess after a while you just miss them, my sister lost the twins due to a premature pregnancy which was sad, so the excitement of being an uncle fizzled out as well, i guess i am just going through a rough patch personally which accentuates the need for someone special in my life, someone i can share all of this with,,,,

I am sure this will pass and i will be back to my chirpy self sooner than later!

till then adios~!

One week,,,,

So i completed a week in Toronto, so far so good i guess, other than the longish commute i do not have any major regrets about the move,,,, so far anyway, but like i had mentioned before, i do kind of like the commute, especially taking public transit, you get to see weird and unusual things, well weird and unusual people mainly, also you get to see many different faces each with a story of its own, to interpret the story would be a full time job in itself.

As for the office itself, everyone has made me feel extremely welcome, i wanted to be in the downtown office ideally, but i think this office is just fine, met some old friends and made some new one's, my neighbour is a very bubbly Indian girl, reminds me of someone i was once very close to, its a joy talking to her, always has a smile on her face, well lets see if a story begins or ....

Oreo is adjusting well to the new place as well, although he is still a little bit reluctant to come out when someone comes to visit, i think in due course he will get over that as well, there are a lot of cats in the neighbourhood many of them outdoor cats and i do have a backyard now, so i decided to take him outside, but he came running right back in, i guess he is and will always be an indoor cat :), anyway till next time!

Toronto,,,

Frist three days here and still getting used to the commute, takes me an hr to get to work, when previously it used to take me 2 mins....

I wonder was the move worth it? honestly i think it was, i don't mind the commute, i wake up earlier and in due course my routine will change, i will adjust, there is more to do here, found a great apartment in a great location, so all in all not too bad i would think, now to find that special someone to share it all with....

Till next time!

One more week....

In kingston, i finally found a place and am moving this coming weekend, it was all a bit last minute but the stress of finding an apartment seems to be over,

Now off to the hustle and bustle of a big city, i hope i adjust, it has been so long since i have lived in a big city, i mean i have loved vacationing in big cities but always had a small little town to come back to, i guess we will find out!

Hectic....

To say the least, the month of september has barely begun and i am running short of time, so much to do!! still have not found an apartment which really bothers me because in 4 weeks i am due to start in toronto, hopefully this weekend i should be able to close the deal and settle on an apartment i like!!!!

Other than that, my boss at work is away for the month so part of her job comes to me as well, which has made me busier than usual, i hardly get time for anything, i like being busy but this is just burn out pace that i am going at, oh well,,,, i requested the move, the promotion, the new responsibility, i guess it comes with the territory!!

One good thing though is that we are playing really well, the season started and three games in we still have not conceded, i read somewhere it has been 88 years since something like that has happened, i like the shape of the team defensively, we look solid, the nervousness seems to have disappeared and everybody is starting to put in a defensive shift. Of the new boys i have been impressed a lot with cazorla, he is good with both feet, can thread the needle with a pass and is not afraid to have a go at goal!, poldi is settling in, giroud i believe will take more time to settle in but in due course i am sure he will be a success at arsenal, following the footsteps of some of him famous french predecessors!

October! Almost

So i am due to move the end of this month, i start in Toronto on October 1st, and guess what i still have not found a place, its all a bit hectic really and fingers crossed i will find something in the next 2 weeks or its panic time:),

So the season kicked off with a 0-0 draw at home, not the greatest result, in fact far from it but i am just glad united lost on rvp's much vaunted debut!

Will write a longer post in a few days, just wanted to scribble so wrote a few lines!

Mercenaries,... Aren't they all?

So RVP is finally gone, the end of 8 years and now he is a united player, the top scorer in the league last year and behold he does not want to be an Arsenal player anymore, the love for the club just vanishes when more money is put on the table.... nothing new, the club has survived worse and will continue to survive....

That brings me to the whole transfer saga, most of our best/better players seem to have left us right when they have been at their peak and i know there are 2 camps of fans right now. The first camp who think RVP leaving is not a big deal, in fact we got a very good deal out of it, for player who is 29, injury prone, 20 million + is not bad at all, on top of that we have had a productive summer with 3 quality additions. The second camp is all about Arsene Wenger and Gazidis and mainly the board not being able keep players who could make a difference, win trophies etc etc.

Both camps have merit in what they say, we did get a really good deal for rvp, no denying that and if that money is re-invested before the end of the window even better. There are those who will question his loyalty to the club and have every right to do so, but at the end of the day he is just another player who is attracted by the cash on the table, sure he did not choose city but rather united and he can say it was for the love of trophies, who would say no to joining the most decorated club in english football arguably even world football,you become an icon overnight, but i am sure he is not joining them on 70000 pounds a week heck not even for 130000 that was on the table from us, i am sure it will be more like 180 or 200, so if he says money was not the issue then that is bollocks!

Also there has been a lot of talk about loyalty especially in regards to arsene wenger, there are lots who praise him for being extremely loyal and then there is the other group of people who think the time is up and losing our best players is his fault, directly or indirectly.

Arsene Wenger seems like a very stubborn individual, he has his philosophy laid out and he expects his players to follow that philosophy but in this day and age with the money on offer that will never work, so Arsene spends time finding talented young players, and he is very good at unearthing talent, arguably even the best in the world.

But to me he is not doing any social service, arsene is one of the best paid managers in the world, i would understand if he was being paid a fraction of what most managers make and he still sticks around employing his philosophy, that to me is loyalty but arsene is simply doing his job, as a thorough professional.

Mind you i still think arsene is the best person to lead arsenal, there is a stability in the club because of him although i would like to see more investment into players and better contracts for the better performing players(maybe then we will not spawn another RVP)

So the moral of the story is that they are all alike the players and the managers, money drives everyone, in some cases, case and point arsene,its a combination, money + absolute footballing authority.

I detest RVP for what he has done for the club, i detest arsene for letting it happen, i hate the board and the owner for not doing enough but rather just making it a profitable business, but does it really matter, at the end of the day i love Arsenal and i will continue to support the team i love no matter what happens and who i hate cause nothing else matters!!

Olympics.... should i watch or should i not

So its been a busy month, mainly with work but the Euros happened and now its the Olympics, so busy from a sporting perspective as well.
Back to the topic of my post, The 30th Olympics, XXX stands for 30 i think?, i always enjoy watching the games and every year there is controversy and this year is no different, but now i am starting to re-think my stance on watching the games, why should i watch? there have been so many allegations of matches being fixed, being thrown,doping etc., it leads one to believe there is no point anymore, does the athlete who has trained all his/her life for the event even stand a chance?

To answer my own questions i think they do, hard work eventually does pay off and those who did not win anything will come back stronger, especially if they think they were denied a medal because of officiating and or other reasons which are beyond comprehension.?Also i think will continue watching and XXX does stand for 30.

One thing though that has ticked me off is the case of 16 year old Ye Shiwen, so she swam an 'unthinkable' swim, hence we(the media) infer that she is on drugs or has been genetically manipulated( a man in a 16 yr old girls body), keep in mind there is no proof, but i guess its OK to call her a cheater maybe because she is Chinese?? and they have history of doping?. Note that she might have cheated but my point is that until anything can be proven all these sentiments and nonsense should be kept to one-self and not expressed publicly, she is 16, let her enjoy her gold medal, is that so hard to do??

Which brings me to the second point, 'judging sports' tend to be extremely biased, Boxing, Fencing, heck even badminton have major flaws and the IOC turns a blind eye, why? maybe because as some news outlets were calling it, 10 million dollars a promised for 2 Azerbaijani gold medals, again i have nothing against Azerbaijan i just wanted to point out an example of what might be going on in the world of amateur boxing.

The IOC like FIFA is filled with a bunch of bigots if i may use that word, prejudiced and self obsessed, and it is time common people like me and you started questioning how these organizations are run, after all they do it all for us, if there was no audience then what would be the point of sports and we(common people) should start leveraging that to make sport fair and not what governing bodies want it to be(kind of a paradox since they are there to ensure that sport is fair)

Long time, no postings....

I have not posted in a while and there have been a number of reasons why? to start of, work has been extremely busy, have had to learn the ins and outs of a new system and get proficient in it, all in the span of a month or so! that being said i could have still taken the time to post something, but the heat and humidity are taking its toll and i do not have air conditioning so it makes things all the more un-bearable!
So other than work what is happening in my life? well frankly nothing much although i did get promoted at work and my move to Toronto was ok'd so come September i will be working out of the t.o office, which will be a welcome change, i needed a change, i am sure a change of scenery will only do me some good!

Hopefully with the change of scenery comes someone special into my drab life :), one can always hope!!

May....

So i finally get to write a few lines, life has been hectic of late, too many things on the go, mainly work, i am swamped, well nothing new there but thesedays the meaning of swamped has changed :) my work has just doubled!
Well not much to report or write about frankly, had a friend over for the weekend which was good, i decided to skip my usual routine of working every weekend, instead we kinda relaxed at home, watched a movie, talked, had brunch, you know the usual! it was good to see her again, she has changed a lot though, i do not know how best to put it, but something about her has changed, she is different now, lost maybe??
I wanted to do more, go places etc., but you can only do so much if you arrive on sat and leave sun! and in the end it was more about relaxing i guess, she probably needed it more than i did!
This week however started off with a piece of good news:-), i found out that i am going to be an uncle!!!! it felt good, my sister and brother in law have been trying to have a baby for a while and i am glad it finally worked out!!
Anyway that is it for now i guess, will hopefully write more, sooner than later!

Spring....

Means its almost time for summer again, how time flies, it was just like it was summer yesterday! 2011 was a good summer for me, i got 1 major project completed, had fun travelling and spending time with friends! made a very good friend only to lose her ( that was more a fall thing i think,the losing her part), watched some good movies, had some great meals! all in all something i would like to do again this summer and maybe just maybe i will get to do all that and more :-)
Among other news nothing new on the move, boston/toronto, where oh where will i move too! a 1% chance it might be montreal but lets just keep that one at 1%
Also our run of 7 wins on the trot came to an end with a canter at loftus road, but we picked up and galloped and beat city at home today! it was fantastic!
Piers Morgan once said something on the lines of how much he loves being an arsenal fan because of the love,heartbreak, joy that comes with it, its an emotional roller-coaster and i for one feel no different!!

Adios!

Another month gone....

So march is gone in a few more hours, i am a year older, the only excitement in the birthday month coming in the form of watching the gunners win, it has been a hectic month, spent mostly travelling!
As i write this blog post i am a little depressed i think, don't know why but the "living alone" part maybe finally getting to me, i am tired of one night stands and relationships which fizzle out before they start, and to top it all i went back to the past searching, maybe even hoping that there might still be something left, but as it turns out the past is the past and that is the reality i have to live with....
So many faces have passed through my life, yet none seem to stick, i have a picture maybe an elusive shadowy one, blurred but yet it remains in my mind of who i think might be the one to complete my life.... maybe just maybe it will be a reality someday, there is hope but that is dwindling fast and i am sinking deeper and deeper into the cold heartless quicksand that is life....

March again....

Time flies does it not? i can still remember it being summer and the sun shining, all the excitement it brought and here we are again, so close to summer again....
March is the month i get a year older, nothing much has changed though, i am still in the same spot i was a year ago, single/alone, looking for someone to share my life with, accomplished quite a bit on the work front but it has been failures on the personal front, but then again i am an eternal optimist and i believe there will be someone special who comes into my life, i always have believed that, i associate every girl who comes in to be the "special one" ( not like jose :-)) but so far special has turned out to be ordinary and i am still looking!
Being alone does get to you at times though, i mean single life has its perks too i guess, you get to "socialize" if i may put it eloquently but i being the die hard romantic, need more, i need to find a spark, just hold hands with someone and have her in my arms as we watch a movie together,,,, you know little things like that, that is what i miss the most..

The Weekend....

Was an interesting one, i went to toronto to meet an old friend, well she is much more than a friend to be honest and i for one felt the need to apologize for the way i behaved when i last saw her which was more than 2 years ago.... we have known each other for more than a decade and always kept in touch but the last time we met i think i was a dick,,,, sometimes i have the tendency to be one! she brushed off the apology as if nothing had happened and she was fine, surprised me a little but then i thought i must have over reacted, which was great to be honest because i have been feeling guilty for the longest time, because i honestly thought i had hurt her, and believe me it was not intentional, i have always had feelings for her and still do, those will never go away, she is someone very special but i was in a serious relationship 2 years ago and well she was.... and always has been taken.... but later on in a conversation she mentioned she is afraid of being attached, and it was the way she said it, i relaized that i had indeed hurt her feelings,,,, i felt lousy!
Also the woman i saw was a pale shadow of herself, she seemed shy,demure, very fragile, even a little jaded and it troubled me to see her in that state, i wish, hope and pray that she gets herself back to the woman of old, she gets her self confidence back, her feistiness back,,,, and like i told her i am here if she ever needs any support emotionally, its the least i can do!
Sometimes life has strange twists and turns and you do not really know how to comprehend some of these, i really am clueless!

Valentines Day?

Its Feb 14, everyone who is everyone who is not single is out and/or celebrating, i am home this evening and i decide that i need to blog, how lame :-), indeed it is, the first valentines in as long as i can remember that i have been alone, every year i am out and celebrating with someone, i guess there has to be a first for everything :-), i know its all marketing BS but still somehow it feels nice to share the BS with someone special:-), wow look at the amount of smiley faces i have made already :-), oops another one!
Moving on, not much to talk about, i have been very very busy and from the looks of it my move seems to be materialising, although today something else was thrown into the mix, a move to montreal? now why would i want to move to montreal? from a business perspective it does not make any sense and i don't speak/understand french so i don't know why people would even bring that up, some lame resourcing idea!!
i guess the reasoning was that there was not enough IT presence up there, would make sense i am sure to have someone from IT up there but then that someone needs to be able to communicate effectively and efficiently in french, which i certainly am not capable of!
Not much to report on, on the personal front as well, things are drab, the only bright spot being that i have been talking to lj quite a bit these days and i definitely want to see her sooner than later, i think i need to apologise for somethings which i did in the past and i think the apology needs to be made personally! it was funny i think maybe it was 10 years ago on valentines, we went out and got drunk and it was probably one of the best nights i have had and i wish i could relive some of that.... oh well u never know, if i move to toronto anything is possible!

Faces..

That we see everyday, do they mean something? sometimes i wonder what people are thinking, when they meet you, talk to you, thoughts go through our minds all the time, they are instantaneous, last a few seconds, maybe a minute or two and they disappear!
So what prompted this discussion on faces? well i never gave it much thought until a few days back when i went to the store that i frequent, the girl on cash was positively ready with what i was about to ask her for, a pack of cigarettes and she had a smile on her face as if to say " here you go, you only come here for smokes" , now she did not say that aloud but her facial expression certainly did, and it got me thinking....
Anyway other than that not much going on but work, work and more work, fighting a bout of flu as i write but i think i am starting to feel a little better.... need to pick up on writing again, have not done anything since i wrote those 25 pages!

Its a crazy world....

With crazy people in it, and sometimes i fail to understand how we as people think? act?, but life moves on and so do we.
So been a few days since i posted, but i have been busy, its been hectic and to top it off i found out that i might be moving to Toronto in a few months, its a choice i guess, either i move or i don't , my choice i guess, lets see how that goes, time to make a decision!
Among other things i wrote a few more pages, feels good, writing i mean, i feel liberated as if i am expressing myself without any inhibitions. I am yet to see a clear picture though, writing about experiences does not constitute a story, a story has to be woven and i find that is the hardest part, but slowly i am sure it will take shape, i am no creative genius, in fact far from it but i like to think i can tell a story and if i can make that come out on paper then i think it should all be good!
Back to the crazy people/crazy stories part, i found out something recently about someone who made in my opinion a purely emotional decision and in doing so might have not only hurt someone else but also knowingly/unknowingly hurt themselves as well. We as people struggle to survive, i do not have it better than any of you out there,but some people are happy even emotionally even though monetarily they might be struggling and some people monetarily might be OK but emotionally are nowhere even close to anything that resembles happiness and i for one would give anything to be in the former category! but life moves on and so do we!

2012..

Is here and i thought might as well welcome it with a new post!

New Year's eve was quiet for the most part, ended up at a local club with some friends, had some champagne and celebrated a bit, but nothing too exciting to talk about, a good night out more than anything else.I am slowly getting back into my work routine again and things seem to be piling up again, i think i need a break, its weird how it works, you go on holidays and then come back craving for more holidays!

Also i hope the new year brings good news on the relationship front, i am getting up there in age and need to find some stability and hopefully soon! maybe just maybe there will be some rekindling....

Till next time!