Last night, just when i thought i had written it all down and felt better, i had the urge to call my dad and then we had an argument, then i had an argument with my sister, so i felt miserable again,,,,
Today was a miserable day, i felt lousy all day that is till supper time, i met up with old friends from kingston, it was nice to see them again, it felt good to have a few drinks and a few laughs, i miss that:)
So i am back to being my optimist self again, i will continue looking for that one girl, the one i think who will complete me, i have a picture in my mind, but somehow i cannot get to see the real thing, i probably have a friend in kingston who is as close as it comes to the real thing, she is kind, compassionate, caring and i rarely say this but she has my utmost respect,,,,its too bad that we are two different people, not compatible at all! but i am glad she found someone who is really nice:), so my search continues, so what is my idea of a soulmate, if some such thing does exist, the optimist in me is screaming right now, it does, it does!!!!! or rather she does!!!! she does!!!
Well she has to be kind, not judgemental, sweet, someone who helps others at every possible opportunity they get, cute, gentle, smart, someone who is not a liar(seen too many of those(fuck i lie as well,so i should know the kind)), someone i can trust, in short someone who is not like me at all, which to many of you would be like" what the fuck is this hypocrite talking about?","look at him and look at what he wants"
Yes i am a hypocrite, but i believe and i truly believe that if i find this one girl i will change who i am, she will be able to mould me into this"good person", i will never lie, cheat, some of the other qualities i think i already have, i am gentle,kind, non judgemental etc.(i think so anyway)
might be a pipe dream but hey i can dream right?
Dec 10, 2012
Dec 9, 2012
Dec 09 2012
That is the date today, almost 2 months in toronto.... i just watched a movie, "silver linings playbook", it was good, made me feel like writing, i guess a lot of emotions got stirred inside of me, mixed feelings about love, life, you know the whole fucking shabang, first time i have ever used the word fuck i guess in a blog post, well fuck, there is a first for everything!!
I feel like i am caught in this web and i cannot seem to untangle myself, pressure from family, work, 0 love life prospects, what is going on i wonder, i guess today all of it came out and i decided why not write about it, afterall writing does ease some of the frustration as some say....
Its funny, how when u feel like you have a connection with someone or even get close to someone your whole life looks brighter, you seem to enjoy everything, well right now i do not feel like that, not even remotely close, i feel like i am cursed in the love/life department, in both aspects its always been a miserable trek for me, well it starts out great but as the road un-winds it leads to a dead end and that is the eventuality of it all.
I have been an optimist all my life, i do look for that silver lining but for some reason nothing ever seems to come out of it, let me tell you a little story,my mother who i was extremely close to died of cancer in 1999, i was 21, i was in canada, i did not go to her funeral, i did not cry, i was expecting it, but it left me broken inside, i became cold, i stopped caring about things, life went on, then i met someone, someone who i thought was special, but she was married, did not stop me from being attracted to her, we spent a lot of time together, i told her i was falling for her and she said she was too, i was overjoyed, i did not know what to do, here is someone who cared about me, filled something inside of me, but hey she was married,,,, i still loved her until i found out something, she hurt me and trust me it hurt like hell, but i moved on, she moved away to a different city, i remained, fast forward 6 years i met someone who became a friend then a lover, then we moved in together, i quit my job packed up and moved to the city where she lived, we adopted a cat, we had a family or so i thought i had fallen in love again, after all those years, when i dated but nothing came out of it,,,,i had finally found someone who i could love,,,,
Things were far from rosy though, we never fought, we talked out differences and there were a bunch, but i still loved her and i thought she did as well, until she hurt me, but i let it go, it was not a big deal, these things happen in relationships, she did not cheat on me or anything like that so i thought you know what its fine, but she had other ideas i guess, she thought she loved me but she could never see herself getting married to me, a lot of complications she said, religion, nationality, ambition or lack of, just to name a few, now here is where it gets interesting, i had kept in touch with the married lady all this while, albeit via email, it was mostly exchanging pleasantries i guess, i have this some may call bad habit of keeping in touch with other people, ex's included,
We met up, her marriage situation had not changed, she was still miserable, i spent a day with her away from it all, she said she loved me, i said and i quote " you are cute", i did have feelings for her but i was also in a relationship, what i had done plagued me with guilt, i had never done this before and i never will again, so i avoided her and stuck with the girl who i thought really loved me, the married woman thought i had purposely hurt her, because of what she had done all those years ago, but i had not, not even remotely closely, i still liked/like her but my guilt inside was overpowering everything....
fast forward a few more years, the girl who i thought loved me, left me, she is married now, how convenient, me as usual had kept in touch with the married woman, but it was sporadic, random facebook chats,,,, but then i met her again and she was different, very different, it was like she did not trust me anymore, understandable i guess, but i told her or tried to tell her i was sorry, after all there was guilt in that department too, i had not intentionally hurt her, nor did i want her to feel used, i know feeling used is probably the worst feeling a person can have and i did not want her to feel that, i still had lingering feelings for her, i think i always will, that will never change,,,,
Fuck that was long, now i have lost my chain of thought because i just got of the phone, i don't know if this blog post makes sense, i just wrote down what came to mind, in the end it might be a load of garbage, but it did make me feel better to write it down!!!!
I feel like i am caught in this web and i cannot seem to untangle myself, pressure from family, work, 0 love life prospects, what is going on i wonder, i guess today all of it came out and i decided why not write about it, afterall writing does ease some of the frustration as some say....
Its funny, how when u feel like you have a connection with someone or even get close to someone your whole life looks brighter, you seem to enjoy everything, well right now i do not feel like that, not even remotely close, i feel like i am cursed in the love/life department, in both aspects its always been a miserable trek for me, well it starts out great but as the road un-winds it leads to a dead end and that is the eventuality of it all.
I have been an optimist all my life, i do look for that silver lining but for some reason nothing ever seems to come out of it, let me tell you a little story,my mother who i was extremely close to died of cancer in 1999, i was 21, i was in canada, i did not go to her funeral, i did not cry, i was expecting it, but it left me broken inside, i became cold, i stopped caring about things, life went on, then i met someone, someone who i thought was special, but she was married, did not stop me from being attracted to her, we spent a lot of time together, i told her i was falling for her and she said she was too, i was overjoyed, i did not know what to do, here is someone who cared about me, filled something inside of me, but hey she was married,,,, i still loved her until i found out something, she hurt me and trust me it hurt like hell, but i moved on, she moved away to a different city, i remained, fast forward 6 years i met someone who became a friend then a lover, then we moved in together, i quit my job packed up and moved to the city where she lived, we adopted a cat, we had a family or so i thought i had fallen in love again, after all those years, when i dated but nothing came out of it,,,,i had finally found someone who i could love,,,,
Things were far from rosy though, we never fought, we talked out differences and there were a bunch, but i still loved her and i thought she did as well, until she hurt me, but i let it go, it was not a big deal, these things happen in relationships, she did not cheat on me or anything like that so i thought you know what its fine, but she had other ideas i guess, she thought she loved me but she could never see herself getting married to me, a lot of complications she said, religion, nationality, ambition or lack of, just to name a few, now here is where it gets interesting, i had kept in touch with the married lady all this while, albeit via email, it was mostly exchanging pleasantries i guess, i have this some may call bad habit of keeping in touch with other people, ex's included,
We met up, her marriage situation had not changed, she was still miserable, i spent a day with her away from it all, she said she loved me, i said and i quote " you are cute", i did have feelings for her but i was also in a relationship, what i had done plagued me with guilt, i had never done this before and i never will again, so i avoided her and stuck with the girl who i thought really loved me, the married woman thought i had purposely hurt her, because of what she had done all those years ago, but i had not, not even remotely closely, i still liked/like her but my guilt inside was overpowering everything....
fast forward a few more years, the girl who i thought loved me, left me, she is married now, how convenient, me as usual had kept in touch with the married woman, but it was sporadic, random facebook chats,,,, but then i met her again and she was different, very different, it was like she did not trust me anymore, understandable i guess, but i told her or tried to tell her i was sorry, after all there was guilt in that department too, i had not intentionally hurt her, nor did i want her to feel used, i know feeling used is probably the worst feeling a person can have and i did not want her to feel that, i still had lingering feelings for her, i think i always will, that will never change,,,,
Fuck that was long, now i have lost my chain of thought because i just got of the phone, i don't know if this blog post makes sense, i just wrote down what came to mind, in the end it might be a load of garbage, but it did make me feel better to write it down!!!!
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